Smiles Staring Back at Me

My oldest son with Autism goes to a special school. We fought for this school and it has been an excellent placement for him, he is calmer and happier. Every Wednesday they have early dismissal and I choose to pick him up on those days and save him from his extremely long bus ride (1.5-2 hours). Spending these hours with just him is a special treat for me and I hope one day he will look back and consider them a special treat for himself as well.

Waiting for him today I look over the picture wall in the lobby, as I do every single Wednesday. My son's classmates faces and smiles stare back at me and I smile. I smile every single time. They are learning, challenging themselves and working so hard and they are smiling and I love that so very much.

Sadness sneaks up sometimes. I'm going along the routine and out of nowhere the unfairness of it all hits me.  It occurred to me in a flash that I am seeing faces of kids of all ages, beautiful faces and huge smilies and I'm sad. 

This one is tall and strong, he is the quarterback of the football team. This one is smiling while talking to his classmates, they obviously respect his opinion, he is most certainly the class president. She is standing at the board doing a math problem, she is that beautiful and smart girl who is universally liked. This group of guys makes up the drum line in the marching band, they rock! 

Except none of this is true. 

What makes me so sad is that it could be true! It should be true and I am standing there looking at their faces and wishing so badly that it were true. 

I know this sadness will pass, the "what could be" will pass along with it. I know this is the grief cycle repeating itself once again and once I get through this part, I will get back to acceptance. I look forward to that, with acceptance I also gain strength. I'll be the first one standing next to my beautiful boy saying, "You want to be quarterback? Lets do it!" but for tonight I will think of those faces and those smiles and wish that all their dreams could come true and that they keep smiling along their journey.